(sent to me via facebook by persephone ginger.)
Don’t quantify mourning, grief or sadness.
GUIDE TO SURVIVING BAD HAIRCUTS
Rule One: Before anything else really, don’t let your mom pick your haircut. You’ll end up with a nasty bowl cut in fourth grade at a time when kids don’t know the difference between a lesbian and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber.
Rule Two: A little later in life, you’ll be tempted to try something a little more trendy that was inspired by your favorite sitcom comedian. When you’re in sixth grade, you will learn that very few of your peers are allowed to watch primetime sitcoms and will understand who Rachel is. The problem with this haircut is that it required a certain amount of upkeep that, unless you were willing to get up early and do, it looked like you got in a fight with sheep sheers and the sheep sheers won.
Rule Three: Don’t go to a new salon when you are about to take a risk with your haircut. You can’t trust new stylists. Either stick with what works, or stick with your stylist until one of you dies. No one likes mullets.
Rule 4: Be nice to your sister. She’ll be the one to fix your hair mistakes when you come to her room crying about the huge mistake you made.
Bad haircuts are survivable, and sometimes even curable. You will be ok. Deep breaths!
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SURVIVING A FUNERAL RECEIVING LINE
Congratulations! Your family has decided you are stable enough to represent them in a receiving line at your loved one’s wake. The following are a few tips to surviving what will end up being a long and emotional day without dehydrating and falling over.
If someone approaches you to express their condolences, and you don’t know who they are, smile politely and nod. They won’t know the difference, and if they do they won’t call you out because it’s your loved one that died.
Shift your weight on your feet to avoid them falling asleep, and bend at the knees to avoid locking. This way, you’ll avoid falling in front of everyone you have ever known in your life.
WATER. Drink it. Take breaks every hour or so to grab some water. Most funeral homes usually have it in their lobby. We cannot stress this enough: hydration is key to surviving this day.
There’s no possible way you can cry the whole time you are in a receiving line while talking to several people at a time. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s also ok to occasionally laugh and smile, just try to avoid cackling like a crazy person.
Do not, we repeat, do not go into any closets in the funeral home unless you want to see why grandma’s cheekbones look so high or grandma’s eyes are staying down without looking pinched. When you realize what the fishing wire is there for, or why there is a box of old lipstick in different shades, or even why there are cotton balls, you’ll never look at funerals the same way again.
Don’t sniff funeral flowers. Even if you aren’t allergic, you will sneeze. “Thank (achoo!) you (achoo!) for coming, Aunt Ida (achoo!).” Aunt Ida just lost her brother, she doesn’t need a snotty hug on top of that.
Little known fact, there are people who crash funerals as there are people who crash weddings (and perhaps, it occurs more frequently than wedding crashers). Common courtesy is to ignore them and let them make their way through the line.
You’ll do great and we are sorry for your loss.
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GUIDE TO DRUNK TEXTING
Suggested precautions: prior to alcohol consumption, place phone in possession of a trusted friend. Also, avoid vodka.
If you are still reading this, you have ignored this guide’s suggestion to avoid this situation. The following is description of a possible scenario and correct response to scenario.
You have just completed your fifth round of flip cup and your cohorts have offered you a celebratory shot. After taking this shot, you decide to share in your elation with the one person you wish was there. You will recognize this the correct specimen by their painfully obvious absence from your party, a terrible yearning sensation in the pit of your stomach when faced with the reality they are not there by choice, and a sudden urge to contact them at that moment. See figure one for illustration.
Having pried your phone from the possession of a trusted friend (ed. Note: we never said the method was foolproof), you are now scanning through your contacts to find the person that meets the description provided above. Despite warnings from your friends, you will select person and begin to type.
At this time it is vital that you do not type anything that will incriminate or embarrass you at a later time.
Having completely ignored what we just said (again), you are now clicking send on your admission of undying devotion and/or voracious contempt. Once the missive is seen by the recipient, you will need to implement damage control.
Possible responses and their plausibility ratings on a scale of 1-10:
“That was the wrong person. I meant to send it to X.” Plausibility Rating: 4. Decreases with number of texts.
“A friend took my phone.” Plausibility rating: 5.
“I am using this as my rock bottom. I will be swearing off alcohol.” Plausibility rating: 2.
"I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed. I’ll delete your number." Plausibility Rating: 8.
Discontinue all contact with recipient of text messages until they make the effort to speak to you again. Depending on the nature of the texts this could take anywhere from 15 minutes to never.
Congratulations! You have successfully drunk texted someone and survived.
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THE CLASSIC BLT: BASICS
According to this blog (and based off of years of training and research) there is only one way to build a BLT. If a BLT is served to your in a way that differs from this guide, immediately throw it to the ground and storm away from the establishment that made the error.
The correct way to build a BLT goes as follows:
1. Fry bacon.
2. Toast bread.
3. Spread mayonnaise on one piece of toast (if you are a mayo person. Do not use Miracle Whip or anything else someone tries to tell you is mayonnaise.)
4. Place lettuce on the piece of toast with the mayonnaise.
5. Place tomato on top of lettuce.
6. Place bacon on the tomato. This is the controversial move, as most people would think that bacon goes in the middle, with lettuce on top. This is based on the American Cheeseburger model and it’s also incorrect. The bacon goes on top of the thicker tomato and the easy-to-wilt-lettuce because heat rises and makes everything mushy and limp. (ed. note: that’s what she said?)
7. Place plain bread on top of bacon. It’s also common practice to put the spread slice on top of the bacon. However, it is the opinion of this guide that bacon needs no other flavoring while lettuce desperately needs it.
8. The crucial move: the Bob Bush Press. Named for Robert Bush of Cleveland, Ohio, the Press is a key move in completing your BLT sandwich. Place your palm over the sandwich and press down. This will lock in the the flavor of the bacon into the sandwich and make it official.
Hurray! You have successfully completed making a correct BLT.
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GUIDE TO GETTING LAID OFF
Once it has become clear that your start up is losing money, you will need to anticipate the inevitability of a layoff. At this time, it is wise not to leave on a trip to Miami Beach. However, if you do decide to leave for Miami Beach, be aware that upon your arrival home you may be asked to turn in your keys and laptop. Enjoy your stay!
You may recognize getting laid off by your boss’s failure to answer texts or emails, lack of any news regarding second round funding, and the hesitation in delivery of your last paycheck.
Upon your arrival to work after said trip to Miami you probably should not have taken, your boss may come to you with tears in his eyes about his great failures in life. Do not fall for this, it is a ploy to gain your sympathy. Though your initial reaction will be to panic and sob, do not show any emotion until you have reached your home or local bar.
Once you have been laid off, be sure to file for unemployment immediately so that you may pay the overdraft fees from the trip you expected to pay off with your last direct deposit.
Now breathe. Everything will be ok. (Eventually. Right now you’re kind of screwed.)
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Based on experience, the following is helpful guide for attending and acting appropriately at interventions.
- Though this may seem obvious, having alcohol at an intervention is frowned upon.
- Be sure set a time for the Intervention. Spontaneous “surprise” interventions are usually not a good idea and put most people on the spot to scramble for something to say.
- Also not a good idea to have interventions during family reunion vacations for this very reason. You’re thinking beach, the intervention organizers are thinking rehab, the addict is thinking margaritas.
- Do not make eye contact with interventionee, unless you are ready to stare into the dark abyss of the biggest guilt trip of your life.
- Be honest and don’t exaggerate. This is already bad enough without your hyperbole.
- Tell the addict you love them (unless you don’t and aren’t sure why you are at this intervention).
- Have a place for the interventionee to go after the intervention. Like rehab. They must do this immediately as this is their sign of committing to get help. (Another reason why family reunion vacations are a terrible place for interventions.)
- Try to find something to do to avoid the inevitable awkwardness, preferably something that puts physical distance between you and the interventionee. (This is actually where vacations can be an advantage.)
- Hope that the addict gets help and that you never have to go through this horrible situation again. Accept the fact that you probably will.
Give yourself a pat on the back. You have survived intervention.
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